Are You Your Own Worst Critic? Here's How to Give Yourself a Break

By Madeline Farquharson, CPCC

Have you ever replayed that awkward comment you made at a dinner party, cringing every time it echoed in your mind (probably at 2am)? Or found yourself overanalyzing a minor mistake at work, feeling like everyone noticed? We've all had those moments where our own actions seem magnified on life's big screen. But why do these moments stick, haunting our thoughts? And more importantly, how can we shift from self-critique to self-compassion?

Why Do We Judge Ourselves and Others Like We're in a Reality TV Show?

Judgment—it’s like that pesky background noise in our lives. Sure, it’s had its uses:

  • Survival Instincts: At its most basic, judgment helps us determine what is safe and what is dangerous. Ever avoided that sketchy alleyway on your evening walk? That's judgment, keeping you safe.
  • Finding Your Tribe (Social Cohesion): Remember bonding with someone over your mutual love for cheesy rom-coms or 90’s pop music? That's judgment, guiding you to your kind of people. We assess others based on their actions to determine if they can be trusted, if they belong to our group, or if they share our values.
  • Self-Reflection: Remember that time you spoke a tad too loudly, and everyone stared? Yeah, that sting was judgment, making sure you don’t do it again.

Judgment of oneself can be a way of ensuring we are aligned with our personal or societal values. But too much judgment, especially of ourselves, can feel like wearing glasses that only show our flaws.

We Can't Stop Judging, But We Can Control Its Volume

We can't entirely stop judging because it's a natural part of our cognitive processes. It's not about silencing that inner critic entirely—that would be like trying to mute the crowd at a sold-out concert and all of the good would be tossed out with the challenging bits. Instead, let's learn how to dial down the volume.

Challenge Those Nagging Thoughts With Curiosity

You know that little voice that whispers, "Did I sound silly in that meeting?" or “Was I a bit much at that party?” Here’s how to chat back:

  • Ask why: Why am I thinking this? What triggered this thought? Is there a deeper issue at play? Maybe at work it might look like: "Why am I fixating on that one sentence? Did it genuinely impact the whole presentation, or am I just overthinking?"
  • Fact-check: Separate fact from opinion. Recognize when a thought is based on concrete evidence and when it's a mere assumption or interpretation. For example: "Did anyone actually laugh or look upset? Or are these just imaginary scenarios in my head?"
  • Reframe: Turn a negative judgment into a question or a neutral observation to see it from a different perspective. Instead of "I shouldn't have said that," try "Next time, I'll approach it differently."

Focus on Your Strengths

Amidst the noise of self-doubt, let's crank up the tunes of our triumphs:

  • Make a ‘Proud Of’ List: That time you nailed a project? Or when you finally learned how to make that perfect risotto? Jot them down.
  • Celebrate the Small Wins: So you didn't run the whole 5K— but hey, you laced up and got out there! That's worth a cheer.
  • Ask Friends: Sometimes, we need an outsider's perspective. A simple, "Hey, what do you think I did well today?" can work wonders.

Accepting Yourself Doesn't Mean You're Stuck That Way

Embracing who you are right now doesn't mean you've drawn a permanent line in the sand. Think of it more as a cozy checkpoint in the marathon of life. While it's crucial to recognize and appreciate your current strengths and qualities, it's equally important to remember that growth is a continual journey, peppered with opportunities for change and evolution. Acceptance is about grounding yourself in the present, understanding your starting point, and fueling up for the next exciting leg of your personal adventure. After all, the beauty of being human lies not just in celebrating our victories but also in our boundless potential to learn, adapt, and thrive.

  • It's Not Giving Up: Realizing you hate jogging doesn’t mean you’ll never be fit. Maybe dancing or cycling is your jam! Stay curious and open to opportunities and you will recognize them when they come your way.
  • Change is Constant: So you burnt the cookies this time. There’s always another batch, another chance. Part of change and acceptance means being unattached to the outcome.
  • Stay Present: Ever tried just feeling the sun on your face or the rhythm of your breathing? It's called mindfulness, and it’s like a reset button for the brain.

So next time you catch yourself spiraling into a pit of self-judgment, remember: you're not alone. We're all learning, growing, and occasionally face-palming. And that's okay. Because every stumble, every "oops" moment, is just another step on this wild journey of being human.